Our actions may not be fully aligned with our long-term goals. But in the moment, there is a reason for what we do. We may want to feel better or avoid immediate pain. We may do something we’ve always done without really thinking. We may act because we feel lonely or frustrated or angry.

You aren’t broken because you made the wrong choice. You’re human. Step back and think, “what does that behavior do for me?” Because whether it’s sugar, YouTube, or heroin, there’s some reason we keep going back. Until we recognize why we do something, it’s hard to have lasting change in our lives. 

“I’m an addict” doesn’t explain anything. It’s a label, and usually not a helpful one. What about  “I like _, because _” (even if you hate other things about it). Be honest with yourself. Sit with that thought. It might be painful. It might make you realize that things aren’t so bad. 

It’ll take compassionate practice to change. But when we realize why we do something, change becomes much more realistic. 

At the same time, some of the most powerful influences in the world drive our lives through frank behaviorism. A notification on my phone triggers craving in me just as well as any dog. I’ve got a 6-inch, battery-powered, operant conditioning machine in my pocket right now. And there are thousands of products offering cheap satisfaction that I can have right now.

There are deep reasons for why we do what we do–and they’re worth exploring. But while we’re discovering the context for our decisions, it’s really nice to replace a few of our more impairing triggers with frequent reminders to engage with a few things that bring us lasting meaning. 

Because even though crude behaviorism can’t explain everything about people, what we choose to do determines who we become.